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March 2006
We have been taught the importance of winning, at the office,
in business, on the sports field and in bed. We have been told to have a winning
personality, and to be strong and in charge - to be winners in order to be successful.
Our society has created businesses that are focused solely on the bottom line,
people who push to win at all cost, and individuals who judge themselves and
others by whether they win or not
Our children are pressured to be winners very young when they play sports,
try to be popular in school, or compete to get the best grades. They are pushed
by their peers, who judge them based on their accomplishments. They are pushed
by their parents, who want them to experience the happiness brought about by
success and winning. To lose is to feel disappointment, loss of self-esteem,
and stress. We just don’t want our children to experience that.
In business, promotion is based on one’s ability to be successful and
improve the bottom line: to win. Emphasizing winning at all costs, we often
end up with business leaders who lack the necessary people skills, companies
that are not able to be flexible in the face of unexpected changes, and managers
who will resort to unethical means to alter the bottom line – failures
born out of the need to win. In business, survival is dependent upon leaders
and companies who are flexible in the face of losses and changes.
LIFE LESSONS FROM LOSING
Losing is a huge part of life. Think of the losses: our children grow up and
leave home, we age and have health issues, we are downsized out of a job, lose
a client, a friendship or a spouse. Life itself teaches us how to lose and losing
is always hard. However, without losses, we don’t learn and grow. We don’t
appreciate the joy of winning, if we don’t feel the agony of defeat too.
It’s hard to grow or try new things without the being pushed out of the
comfort zone by loss.
What we all want is to live a full and worthwhile life. We don’t really
want a life without sorrow, but a full experience that includes sorrow and joy,
icy winters and lovely autumns, losing seasons and winning seasons, living and
dying. Through all of those experiences we learn that we can make mistakes and
survive them, be down in the dumps and pull ourselves out, be losers who become
winners.
NOW – LET’S CHANGE THE WINNING MINDSET
A healthier mindset about winning and losing begins with our young people.
It is our responsibility to raise children who do not put too much emphasis
on winning as criteria for judgment of themselves and others.
As parents, grandparents, educators, health care professionals and friends
we must:
*Lighten up and look at losses as part of life and not personal failures.
*Emphasize the effort involved, not winning and losing.
*Play together as a family or with other families and friends in a casual way,
with no winners and losers.
*Not force a child to participate in a skill activity they have no interest
in, even though you might be.
*Always emphasize the importance of having fun in extra-curricular activities.
*Not let them quit until their commitment to the activity is completed, or
they will learn to give up when things don’t go their way
*Help them to set their own personal goals so they can learn one step at a
time. Teach them to learn success by earning it with hard work.
*Teach them that winning isn’t everything.
*Get them involved in things that aren’t competitive.
*Introduce them to multiple activities involving a variety of skills.
*Discuss behavior of coaches, other parents, and other children honestly with
your children – emphasizing your family values.
*Not ask repeatedly - “How did you do?”, “Did you win?”,
“How did the other guy do?” “Did you hit a homerun?”,
“How did you play?” All of those questions put too much emphasis
on competition.
*Not go to every practice and hover. Go to the events and support your children,
but hovering puts too much importance on the activity.
*Show equal interest in the activities of all of your children.
*Watch how you project your enthusiasm for a sport to your children. Children
want affirmation from adults and if they are not interested or accomplished
in the same thing they will feel like they have failed you.
*Encourage them to have friends who are interested in other things so they
see the value of diversity in their life.
*Tell them you love them no matter what.
Cheryl Perlitz is the author of the inspirational
book "Soaring Through Setbacks - Rise above adversity - Reclaim
your life" and “Soaring through Setbacks….Survival
Tips Handbook’
As a dynamic speaker
and facilitator, her inspiring, fun and motivational stories
help listeners and readers to "TRANSFORM THEIR MOUNTAINS INTO
OPPORTUNITIES FOR ADVENTURE AND POSITIVE CHANGE."
Cheryl is not a therapist, or medical doctor. She
does not have a PHD or an advanced degree in psychological theory.
She is a regular person, like most of us. She is a sought after
talk show guest because of her easy casual style, her ability to
tell wonderful stories that the listeners and readers can relate
to, and her understanding and compassion for others.
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