Vince Lombari said “Winning isn't everything.  It's the only thing.”  If you are not a winner, you are nothing. 

 

I had a ‘wake up call' that drove me to rethink my own competitive attitude and how our society pressures people.  The WANT to win, has become the NEED to win. 

 

* arrived early to my tennis drill to see my two tennis pros with long faces and depressed.  Michigan State and Illinois had both been eliminated from the NCAA basketball tournament and would not be included in the ‘sweet 16'.  They were emotionally trashed.

 

*Then I was approached by a mom who told me of the horrors of the Little League baseball draft system where father coaches rank 8 year olds and then have a competitive selection process: all jockeying to  make sure they don't end up with a certain ‘loser'. 

 

*The final blow was on the tennis court that night. In the court next to us was a dad who was screaming and yelling at his 6 year old daughter for not hitting the ball hard enough.  “You will never make it to the pros if you don't hit harder than that”  - at which point she said, “I'm hitting as hard as I can” and she started to cry. He continued to yell at her.  

 

WE ARE PUTTING TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON WINNING  

           

We have been taught the importance of winning, at the office, in business, on the sports field and in bed.  We have been told to have a winning personality, and to be strong and in charge - to be winners in order to be successful.  Our society has created businesses that are focused solely on the bottom line,  people who push to win at all cost, and individuals who judge themselves and others by whether they win or not.

 

Our children are pressured to be winners very young when they play sports, try to be popular in school, or compete to get the best grades.  They are pushed by their peers, who judge them based on their accomplishments. They are pushed by their parents, who want them to experience the happiness brought about by success and winning.  To lose is to feel disappointment, loss of self esteem, and stress.  We just don't want our children to experience that.    

 

In business, promotion is based on one's ability to be successful and improve the bottom line: to win.  Emphasizing winning at all costs, we often end up with business leaders who lack the necessary people skills, companies that are not able to be flexible in the face of unexpected changes, and managers who will resort to unethical means to alter the bottom line – failures born out of the need to win.    In business, survival is dependent upon leaders and companies who are flexible in the face of losses and changes.   

 

LIFE LESSONS FROM LOSING

 

Losing is a huge part of life.   Think of the losses: our children grow up and leave home, we age and have health issues, we are downsized out of a job, lose a client, a friendship or a spouse.  Life itself teaches us how to lose and losing is always hard. 

 However, without losses, we don't learn and grow.  We don't appreciate the joy of winning, if we don't feel the agony of defeat too.   It's hard to grow or try new things without the being pushed out of the comfort zone by loss.

 

What we all want is to live a full and worthwhile life.  We don't really want a life without sorrow, but a full experience that includes sorrow and joy, icy winters and lovely autumns, losing seasons and winning seasons, living and dying.  Through all of those experiences we learn that we can make mistakes and survive them, be down in the dumps and pull ourselves out, be losers who become winners.

 

NOW – LET'S CHANGE THE WINNING MINDSET

 

A healthier mindset about winning and losing begins with our young people.   It is our responsibility to raise children who do not put too much emphasis on winning as criteria for judgment of themselves and others. 

 

As parents, grand parents, educators, health care professionals and friends we must:

*Lighten up and  look at losses as part of life and not personal failures.

 

*Emphasize the effort involved , not winning and losing.

 

*Play together as a family or with other families and friends in a casual way, with no winners and losers.

 

*Not force a child to participate in a skill activity they have no interest in, eventhough you might be.

 

*Always emphasize the importance of having fun in extra-curricular activities.

 

*Not let them quit until their commitment to the  activity is completed,  or they will learn to give up when things don't go their way

 

*Help them to set their own personal goals so they can learn one step at a time.  Teach them to learn success by earning it with hard work.   

 

*Teach them that winning isn't everything.

 

*Get them involved in things that aren't competitive.

 

*Introduce them to multiple activities involving a variety of skills.

 

*Discuss behavior of coaches, other parents, and other children honestly with your children – emphasizing your family values.

 

*Tell them you love them no matter what.

 

*Not ask repeatedly… “How did you do?”, “Did you win?”, “How did the other guy do?” “Did you hit a homerun”, “How did you play”   All of those questions put too much emphasis on competition.

 

* Not go to every practice and hover.  Go to the events and support your children,  but hovering puts too much importance on the activity.

 

*Show equal interest in the activities of all of your children.

 

* Watch how you project your enthusiasm for a sport to your children.  Children want affirmation from adults and if they are not interested or accomplished in the same thing they will feel like they have failed you.    

    

*Encourage them to have friends who are interested in other things so they see the value of diversity in their life.

 

 

©2006 SoarWithMe.com 

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